I Don’t Want to Be a Rock Star Anymore

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a mega star in a rock band. I mean, the B-roll of the members of Guns N’ Roses walking in midtown Manhattan and going to Manny’s Music, all loose and carefree – that’s the life for me!

Some of my earliest memories are watching my dad play guitar in a country-rock band at the ski-resorts in the summer time, the smell of Genesee cream-ale in the air.

I played my first show when I was about 17, and told the sound-man “fuck you” at one point (lesson learned). I’ve played shows in several states, alongside young riff-raff like me who went on to be just a handful of notable names in music.

If you would have told me in those teen years that someday I’d have the ability to record digitally, in pristine CD-quality sound, with nearly an unlimited number of tracks, midi-instruments, and effects, I would have fainted.

Here I am now, in the year 2020, in my 44th year on this planet, and that spirit, the craving for music making just comes and goes.

I know I’m supposed to respect the muse (see Steve Pressfield’s ‘Turning Pro‘), which is what I did today. The bass line in the clip above came to me as I was making coffee, as they do every morning I make coffee, or do the dishes, take out the compost, or whatever. Little droplets of music fall into my dumb head, I sing them to myself a little bit, laugh at myself, and then go on with my day.

Today, though, I was like, “what if I just do something with this?”

It’s not a complete song. It’s not a master piece. There’s no hook, chorus, or bridge. It’s a loop, some drums, some midi notes arranged to be a passable piano “ditty.” Nothing more.

But nothing is complete.

I had a few phone calls this week, and most were unplanned. They came, magic filled the void, and then on with the day. None were complete, there was no agenda, no planning, just… riffing.

So I don’t want to ever discount those random bits of magic, so I need to stop discounting random bits of music I make, too. We all do, even if your thing isn’t music, but maybe it’s photography, yoga, or whatever else that brings you joy.

Just because something isn’t complete, or a full-fledged album roll out, doesn’t mean it should stay hidden on my hard drive, never to be heard from.

Our ideas don’t need to be final, our blog posts don’t need to be perfect, our videos can be rough, our audio low quality, and our conversations all over the place, and that’s what makes us human. We don’t exist to be perfect, we imperfectly exist, make it through today and hope tomorrow is tolerable.

Pennsylvania Breaks 7000 COVID-19 Cases

On November 12th, seven days ago, I wrote this:

It was just 10 days ago when PA reported 2,500 new cases of COVID in a day. Today we broke 4,700.

From ‘Lowering the Bar

Today, November 19th, Pennsylvania we hit 7,126 cases.

I am absolutely stress eating. Taking time away from work when I need it. Going for walks. Going for runs (I went on two today). Scrolling through social media, news sites, texting friends, and playing Mario Kart 8.

No Thanksgiving for me this year, just staying home with my roommate. Running locally.

Been talking about the stress with some friends, about how the work we get to do remotely consumes us. Before all this we could at least go out to the movies, meet some friends for drinks, go to a race on the weekend, see a show – all these events that broke up the monotony of working.

It’ll be nice to get back to that someday.

I Read Your Xanga

“Yeah, I know, I read your Xanga.”

That’s what a friend said to me way back in like 2000 or so, when I told him about something going on, but I already blogged about it.

Now here we are 20 years later, and I sometimes know what friends eat for breakfast, or what television episode they’re watching, screenshooting the show in real time, adding text, and uploading.

As all the social media outlets fight to get and keep our attention, how much more can we possibly know? And in the end, it doesn’t feel like it brings us all that much closer.

Instead of Tweeting something out that maybe 14% of my followers will see, I’ll shoot someone a text instead. Or come here and write a draft, and let it simmer. Or usually I’ll forget all of it and go back to working on something work-adjacent, spending a few bits of energy tonight to make tomorrow morning a little easier.

A large portion of my energy goes to just getting through the days work, which during a nationwide health crisis is struggle enough. Then, if I haven’t eaten my stress and emotions all day I’ll feel fueled enough to get out for a run, which honestly has been a struggle because of said… stress.

Everything is energy, and my tolerance is brittle right now. I just feel like there’s not much to spare. It took everything to get through the week of the election without eating a bag of cookies every night, and now with COVID-19 cases surpassing 6,000 in a day here in PA, I don’t know… looking at a website filled with turmoil, “gotcha!” content, despair, and everything else is not top of mind.

“Are you okay,” mom would ask, 20 some years ago.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, I read what you put on Xanga.”

And here we are, in the year 2020. I write this here, at this hour, with the thought of friends letting down parents by cancelling Thanksgiving plans because, you know, less people will die that way, and tomorrow? Who knows? Energy will flow in the opposite direction and the next post will be more positive!

Lowering the Bar

My heart needed this:

If you need to keep losing your shit, lose it. If you need to keep stealing naps from the rest of your day, steal them. If you need to organize your inbox, cut out dairy or alcohol for the week, go on a long-ass walk everyday without listening to a podcast, do it. If you need to keep lowering the bar, lower it, then lower it again.

From ‘your attention‘ by Anne Helen Petersen

That’s in response to last weekend’s news, CNN and such calling the Presidential race for Joe Biden. I was on a trail running with a friend when I got the news, and I was pumped.

By Sunday, I was exhausted.

It was just 10 days ago when PA reported 2,500 new cases of COVID in a day. Today we broke 4,700.

No matter what the news is, COVID has been the backdrop to our days since March. Since that night I was watching the NBA and they cancelled the game because one player tested positive.

Meanwhile, in men’s college football:

It’s been a tumultuous week of COVID-19-related disruptions for the SEC, which also this week announced changes for three other games originally scheduled for Saturday.  On Tuesday, the SEC postponed Alabama-LSU and Texas A&M-Tennessee. On Monday, the league announced its decision to postpone the Auburn-Mississippi State game.

‘Georgia Bulldogs’ game against Tigers postponed over coronavirus issues at Missouri,’ ESPN

Tonight while picking up groceries I saw a handful of chain restaurants with packed parking lots.

Like, sure, Biden may be our next President (if you believe the LAME-STREAM media, right?!?!), but right outside my window 1,000 Americans are dying everyday.

Everything is exhausting.

About Little Things

What’s striking about Twitter at this moment in time is that you are a minute away from being national news. Literally. You could reply to a movie star, sports figure, or politician and a simple RT could change your life.

I mean, somehow we know of a person that calls themselves Dog Face from the internet because they paired a great song with some Cranberry juice. I love that guy (his real name Nathan Apodaca).

We also know that people counting votes in PA are getting death threats because of conspiracy theories amplified over social media channels.

Tonight I picked up my phone to check Twitter for the 1000th time, but I hit my time limit. Logging into Twitter via the web was my next move, but I thought better of it, instead logging into my silly WordPress site instead.

Who needs my voice? Who reads this?

But I remember the advice I give to friends about starting YouTube channels, or podcasts – we have enough Joe Rogans. We need more podcasts with soft spoken hosts talking about science. We certainly don’t need anymore websites that load up 48 trackers and post every 12 minutes – we need more regular people, talking about regular things, on a regular basis.

What started out as 10 posts a day became 20 because that meant more excuses to post to social media to come read all the 20 posts on our sites. You knew you could come to a website and expect to read something new after lunch.

And that’s social media – you can come back every minute and find something new. It never lets you down, except it’s horrible for your brain.

So let’s write for no one, do a podcast and never aspire to do ad reads. Let’s move slow, read slower, and pay attention to a handful of things (and people) that matter.

Unending Exhaustion

This has been quite a week. The election was on Tuesday, now five days ago. It was Saturday when it was announced that Biden / Harris were called the winners of this year’s presidential election.

Anne Helen Petersen

Wow, yes. This x 1000. While I’m relieved, today has just been exhausting.

No matter the good news, there were still 126,742 new cases of COVID-19 on Saturday. Millions unemployed. Thanksgiving get togethers won’t be happening. Back to work on Monday with all this, with the expectation of “business as usual.”

So yes, absolutely, a physical and emotional hangover. Add that to the continued, unending grieving of normalcy, safety, downtime with friends, and going to diners.

I slept great. A cloud has been lifted now that he-who-shall-not-be-named has lost this election finally. But at the end of the day – of everyday, for the foreseeable future – we’re stuck in this COVID-19 loop.

Biden Wins, Trump Loses Popular Vote Twice

Not looking for perfect, just looking for an adult in the room. Someone who Tweets less than a teenager.

America has chosen Democrat Joe Biden as its 46th president, CNN projects, turning at a time of national crisis to a man whose character was forged by aching personal tragedy and who is pledging to restore calm and truth after Donald Trump’s exhausting and manic single term.

CNN

Someone who will denounce white supremeicsts. Someone who doesn’t say, “very nice people on both sides.” Someone who doesn’t say, “it is what it is” in regards to 1,000 dead Americans a day from COVID-19.

Removing protections for LGBTQ+ people?
Muslim bans?
Betsy Devos?

Fuck all that.

Now we just need to work together. Like adults.

They Want the Discord

I’ve believed this for awhile about the elections, about the chaos and tension of the current election, emphasis mine:

“This is exactly what our foreign adversaries want to happen,” Washington Secretary of State Kim Wyman, who is a Republican, told the editorial board. “Russia, China, North Korea and Iran, what they want is they want people to lose confidence in our democratic institutions. They want people to believe our election wasn’t fair.  “They want to undermine our representative form of democracy. They want to undermine our republic. They want the discord, because when people lose faith in our elections, they don’t believe that the elected leaders are legitimate. And that undermines democracy at its core foundation.”

Honor your oath, Mr. President

Our enemies want to see us question everything. Call everything fake. Everyone is out to get Trump. And even when Biden wins, my god, it’s not like things will simmer down. I don’t think America will ever get out of these choppy waters.